When I was 12 years old my parents separated. When I was 13, my father told me he was moving to Florida the day before he moved. When I was 17 he officially divorced my mother. From ages 13-17 my father mostly engaged me in conversations trying to get information about my mother. By the time I was 18 I decided I didn’t want to keep talking about my mother, so I avoided my fathers calls, stopped writing him letters and stopped all communication with him. I was angry.
He abandoned me when I needed him most. He refused to apologize and even worse saw nothing wrong with his decisions. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want a relationship with me that wasn’t connected to my mom. Why didn’t he ever ask about me? Why didn’t he want to know what was going on in my life? Why wasn’t he asking about what I wanted to do when I grew up? Wasn’t he curious about the person I was becoming? I needed my father to do more than just provide financially. The questions went on and on and I justified staying away and cutting off all communication.
In 2011 when I became a Christian, I felt the Lord tugging at my heart to reach out to my dad. I knew how to find him, but I had no interest. One day I had enough of that pit in my stomach feeling and I decided to make the call. I wondered if he was going to be mad? Was he going to ask me why I’ve been estranged? As the phone rang and he picked up on the other end, all I heard was joy in his voice that he had finally heard from me. He didn’t ask me any of the things I thought he would. I laid out clear boundaries that if he wanted to keep hearing from me our conversations had to be about me, not my mother or anything else. I had resolved that I was going to forgive my father for all of the things from the past.
We began to have a beautiful relationship with phone calls and visits to see him in Florida and then to the Dominican Republic when he retired. Our phone calls became a weekly event and my visits became an annual event. We spent our time together talking about every topic under the sun, finances, agriculture, the past, the present, the future, etc. I tried to glean every bit of wisdom I could from our time together.
Then on February 2, 2023, my life changed. My mom passed away. Soon my phone calls to my dad became far and few in between. I struggled to pick up the phone and call him. I didn’t want to hear his voice, he wasn’t the parent I wanted to talk to. I was angry. It wasn’t anything my dad had done in the last 12 years that made me feel this way. I resented the fact that the parent who never left my side was gone and I was left with the one who crushed my heart years ago, the one I wasn’t sure I could truly trust.
My therapist helped me realize that I still had unforgiveness lurking in my heart toward my dad. I realized forgiveness wasn’t a one and done deal.
C.S.Lewis says, “The real trouble about the duty of forgiveness is that you do it with all your might on Monday and then find on Wednesday that it hasn’t stayed put at all and has to be done over again.”
Bible teacher Kelly Minter describes forgiveness like "peeling an onion" and "there always being another layer."
Thankfully we don’t have to forgive in our own strength.
Luke 23:34 says, “And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”And they cast lots to divide his garments.”
Even Jesus involved his Father in Heaven in forgiveness.
All of these unresolved, unprocessed feelings about what my father had done when I was 12 years old came pouring out. It was crushing me, not allowing me to move forward and be grateful that I still had a parent on this earth who I had been instructed to honor.
Exodus 20:12 says, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”
I realized if I was going to continue moving forward and continue living the way God has called me to, I needed to forgive him AGAIN.
Luke 6:37 says, “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.”
I clearly had a moment of self-righteousness. Had I not also hurt people in my life? Did I not also sin against people I cared about? Why then was I judging my father so harshly? Why was I justifying my own trespasses, but refusing to forgive his? Why was I wearing this offense like a crown so he could be reminded?
Matthew 6:14-15 says, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
I don’t know about you, but I need a whole lot of forgiveness from God and everyday there are new offenses I need forgiveness for. So while my earthly father has never asked for forgiveness or even apologized for what he has done, I have chosen to forgive him. And I have to keep choosing to forgive him, every time that ugly little monster shows up I need to kill that thing by choosing to forgive.
Let’s pray: Lord we thank you for your mercy and grace, thank you for forgiving us over and over again. Lord, thank you for being trustworthy. Lord help us to believe that we can trust you for healing from injustice. Lord, please help us to forgive those who have hurt us. And help us to forgive over and over again, just as you have with us. In Jesus name. Amen.
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